Chapter 1: Chaos on the Bus

Bad Kids, Miscreants, Juvenile Delinquents, Scourge of Society, Deplorable Brats, Unwanted. Harsh words that could aptly define some of the children I transport daily to school, yet a horrible and tragic misjudgment of whom these children really are.

Let me back up and start over. This year, I was tasked with driving a group of children from, what some would describe, as the "poorer" part of town. I can't totally argue with that description. Most of these kids are wearing clothes that are, quite obviously, "hand me downs". I mean when a child's pant leg is a full 2 inches underneath his/her shoes to the point they are walking on them, one could safely conclude that an elder sibling wore them or they were donated by some philanthropic organization. Half these children look undernourished and their hygiene is questionable at best. I haven't learned all their personal stories...... yet, but again, safe to say they come from broken homes and in some cases are being raised by grandparents. I mean, I see who is standing at the bus stop and at least half of them are my age.

Now that I've described the situation, if you'll indulge me, I'd like to keep a running journal of how I'm trying to make a difference in the lives of these children.

The Bad Kids who really aren't bad.
The Miscreants who are misunderstood
The Juvenile Delinquents that are just juveniles
The Scourge of Society that society has forgotten
Deplorable Brats who are the products of deplorable parenting
Unwanted.... but not anymore

I've been driving them for 2 weeks now and I love each and every one of these Bad Kids. They're my miscreants, and this is their story.

Chapter 1: Chaos on the Bus
I'd be lying if I told you things went smoothly the first day. I thought I'd play a little mood music in the afternoon, to show these new kids that an old man like me can relate. You see I have this theory on bus driving that has to do with reaching kids through music but this group made me question it. It's been my experience in the past, that kids really enjoy it when I play music they can relate to. They don't want to hear music that the bus driver enjoys. Anything done before 2010 is considered "The Oldies" to an elementary aged child. No, they want to hear the songs they enjoy on youtube or that they've downloaded to their ipods. So, like I said, I played some Kidz Bop music on the bus's stereo system that was more relevant to their current listening habits. Big time rookie mistake. The minute Justin Timberlake began belting out the first verse of "Can't Stop the Feeling" from the movie "Trolls" the entire bus erupted in joyous screams, which isn't too bad but when combined with raucous jumping on seats and dancing in the aisles can form the recipe for chaos and confusion.

Time to rethink my music theory or at least establish boundaries for when the music is being played. I don't like thinking that much so I chose the later option.

I silenced the bus and did my best to restore order. I explained that the music was a privilege I was providing and they would have to stay seated if they wanted to hear more. I turned the volume back up and was quickly disappointed once again. Their good behavior lasted less than five seconds before chaos resumed. Again the bus was silenced. It was too hard to maintain "safe driving" and discipline "bad behavior" at the same time. I had to make a choice and Safe Driving won out. No more music. I needed to establish ground rules for when the music is on and tomorrow is another day.

It Takes TEAM WORK To Make The DREAM WORK

I'd like to tell you all, a little about the kids on my bus and how very proud I am of them for what they all did, concerning a new student on the bus and how they welcomed him with open arms.

Last Thursday was our first day together, and like any other endeavor in life, there is a bit of an adjustment, or learning curve, between students and bus driver. They've never met me and I've never met them. They don't know what I expect, as far as how to behave on a bus, and I don't know how they have behaved on the bus in the past. We all start out with a clean slate, so to speak.

Well, Day One went about 50/50 in my book.

I have a bus with a great sound system (FINALLY) and I'm taking full advantage of it. I recorded my own "Child appropriate" CD's. We listen to classical music on the way to school. This has worked out fantastic. I feel it's both culturally refining and helps the kids ease into their long school day. It's very soothing. In the afternoon, I like to reward the kids with music they all know and love. I made a "Kidz Bop" CD with songs like "Shake It Off", "Can't Stop The Feeling" and "Party in the USA". Well, the kids did love that part and at first it was working well as all the kids new the lyrics and happily sang along. BUT THEN..... they got the mistaken impression that standing up while the bus was moving, changing seats and turning around in their seats was perfectly okay. It is not. A couple times, I had to stop the music to correct such behavior. Remember, learning curve.

The next morning, we had a new passenger. An adorable young kindergartner who was very timid. He hadn't ridden the bus the day before, but he saw his big sister ride so he wanted to as well. I had him take a seat just a couple rows back and to my right. Probably the best place on a school bus for the driver to see what's going on. I picked up the rest of the kids (about 10 that morning) and they all sit in the last 4 rows. When we got to the school, I made the kids hold up. After securing my bus, I stood up and walked back to where the kindergartner was sitting. I had him stand and told all the other kids (ages 3rd and 4th grade) that we had a new student today. I told them his name and then I appointed a 4th grade girl to be my bus big sister for the day. I asked her to walk the new child into school and to make sure he got where he needed to be. She happily did so. You see I could have asked a boy, but boys tend to do things about half at that age. They would have ditched him the minute they got inside. Young ladies, on the other hand, are pleasers. They want to be the one erasing the chalk board. They want to be the one to show you their art project. They are the ones that will follow through with a task an adult ask them to.

On the way home that afternoon, I went over to where the new student was seated, made sure to ask him about his day, then offered him the chance to go back and sit with the bigger kids. Like I said, he was very timid. He chose to stay in the front of the bus. As I made my way back to the driver's seat, one of my 4th grade boys called the new child by name and asked him if he wanted to come back and sit with the rest of them. WOW! So very proud. I like to preach teamwork and friendship on my bus and these kids are already expressing it. He still chose to stay... timid.

When the "Kidz Bop" songs came on, he was delighted. As soon as a song came on that he knew (and he knew them all) he proudly stuck his little face around the seat in front of him just to let me know, "Hey, I know this song!" He smiled the whole way home. Then, when there where only two children left, the new kid and a 3rd grader. The 3rd grader requested to come up and sit with the kindergartner.

Let me repeat that. A 3rd grade boy... requested with out prompting... to sit next to a kindergartner.

It takes team work, to make the dream work.
Bus #80 is off to a great start!

Poetic Justice

Onest ‘pon a time, as we know from the rhyme
Lived a Bus Driver Named, Mr. Pat
A Jolly Old Man, with a fresh summer tan
And a Hair Line that called for a Hat

Bald, some would say, at the end of the day
But a kind hearted soul to his core
Quick with a joke, whenever he spoke
His demeanor was never a bore

But enough of this gent, and his charms heaven sent
It’s the kids on his bus that we ponder
A mischievous crew, from their heads to their shoes
And a gaze ‘pon their face full of wonder

Now don’t get me wrong, this aint no sad song
At the end, t’will be perfectly clear
That kids are the same, no matter their name
No matter the month or the year

It started out well, this tale that I tell
The children behaved like they ought’a
The morning commute, was a bit of a hoot
And they willingly went ‘cause they got’a

But by afternoon’s trip, they were rowdy a bit
It was so clear for all that could see
That the school day was taxing, and they wanted relaxing
It was Time for a Bus Mutiny!

Standing in aisles, with ear to ear smiles
Paper airplanes, all flying through out
They would not retreat, or stay in their seats
Through the bus they were walking about

So over the mic, came a tone they don’t like
I’M TELLING YOU KIDS TO SIT DOWN!
The children all shuddered, not a sound did they utter
Their smiles now had turned into frowns

DON’T TRY ME OR TEST ME
DON’T YOU DARE TRY TO BEST ME
ON THIS BUS, I’M THE BOSS, DON’T YOU DOUBT IT!
The morale you see, to stop a Bus Mutiny
Is the Lesson that’s learned when you shout it!

My First Day of School... The Sequel

Today was my first day back driving, "The Future of America", to their appointed school. The gravity of it all weighed heavily upon me the night before, as I tossed and turned, seeking that unreachable respite of slumber I so desperately needed. One Thousand and One thoughts ran through my weary mind, chasing away all hope of a restful eve, as hour followed hour of torturous insomnia.

Would the kids like me?
Will the parents accept me?
What is that green stuff stuck in my teeth?
What can I do this year to build upon last year's success?

And then it hit me... Classical Music ...
What 1st-4th grader doesn't just love Classical Music?
*Boom* *Mic Drop*

I will be the first bus driver in our fleet to play unrelenting, mind numbing, culture inducing Bach, Mozart and Beethoven symphonies during the hour plus ride, my young, captive student passengers are subjugated to endure with me.

Yes! Bus 80 will be the culture Bus.

The first hour long selection was a favorite of mine, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's, Oregano in G minor for Oboe and Cello. Now I know what you're all thinking and I agree. "Wolfie" tends to rely a little too much on piccolo solos in that one but the crescendo of the chord progression of the 5th bar of the 27th movement is totally worth it! And as I like to say... if it aint Baroque... don't fix it!

Where was I? Oh yes, Mozart's Oregano in G minor.
I was shocked, yes shocked I must say at the melodious sounds coming from the back of the school bus. Singing. And to think, all these years I thought Mozart's Oregano in G minor didn't have any lyrics. But it was unmistakable, what I heard emanating from just over my shoulder. My students... my brilliant cultured students, had actually written their very own lyrics.

It started out softly... like a baby's whisper as the boys Bass section began...

DumDumDumDum

Then two girls joined in singing Alto...
DumDumDumDum
Then finally the soprano section began the first verse...

The Bus Driver, the Bus Driver, the Bus Driver is...
Bass and Alto...
DumDumDumDum

I can hardly wait until tomorrow to see what these gifted children do with Beethoven's First, Second and Fifth Movements! It's going to be Epic!!!

My Bravery Knows No Bounds

Gosh I hate to toot my own horn but.... Toot frickin' Toot!

Yesterday, I found myself AGAIN at DelGrosso's Park. You may recall how last week my skills as a Gentleman, Hero and yes... Bus Driving God were required of me when four of my fellow "Female" STA Bus Drivers, perilously attempted the suicidal death drop of the 100 foot Free Fall ride at Bland's park.

Little did I know that, once again, my skills as a calming influence would be required when 3 more "Female" STA Bus Drivers requested my broad shoulders to cry and scream upon as they all wanted an exciting thrill ride at the park. I told them I'm saving myself for marriage and if they wanted a thrill ride, they'd have to look elsewhere.

That's when Lori, Diana and Vicki begged me to buck up their wavering nerves and steady their shaking legs, and ride the Gravity defying "Pharoah's Fury".

Lori snapped the above picture of my bravery and manliness.

Now to the untrained eye, it would appear that I was trying to escape over the railing while Diana pulled me back into line. The truth is, there was a group of 9 year olds waiting to get on the ride and I was merely being a kind and thoughtful adult and allow the children to board first.

Let me pause from the story for a second to relay a cautionary tale to anyone who may want to ride Pharoah's Fury in the coming summer season. Be forewarned that there is a sign at the front of the ride that says you have to be "So Tall" before you can get on the ride. They do not, however, have any warning as to how fat you can be before you CAN'T get on the ride. Let's just say it was a tight squeeze and had it have been any tighter I wouldn't have had an accident in my pants... it would have been an on purpose.

It was a mostly unremarkable ride with the exception of having my ear drum bombarded by Vicki's screams. My ears rang for the next hour or so but I did hear someone whisper...

"Have you ever noticed how Pat Stuckey and Superman are never in the same room?"

I think they're on to me.

Toot frickin' Toot

STA Takes over Delgrosso Park

The above picture represents over 100 years of school bus/van driving experience. These are the people the Altoona School District PROUDLY employs to transport the Future of America, to school. That being said, they should never under any circumstance EVER be allowed to assemble at any amusement park in the future. Let me start this post by first stating that I had nothing to do with the DelGrosso Park Security being called. Nor is their any witness to any alleged crimes that may or may not have occurred. Furthermore, I can not be held responsible for the misconduct of my fellow drivers and in no way do I accept responsibility for any damaged rides, picnic tables or park personnel. For the record, there is NO documented evidence in the form of photographs or video that would implement me in the defacement of any park buildings with blue cotton candy. I feel I need to be specific on this point... the BLUE cotton candy. I may or may not have been in contact with PINK cotton candy as the hours of 11:00 am to 12:00 noon are somewhat fuzzy to my recollection.

The Wrist Band Incident:
In my defense, I was not pre-warned that there would be park employees attaching FREE RIDE wrist bands to our wrist. When the young girl named Rachel attempted to attach a wrist band to my wrist, the experience awakened a latent fear of commitment on my part. Being a twice divorced professional, I sometimes suffer PTMS (Post Traumatic Marital Syndrome) which triggers my fight or flight response. I immediately began running down Route 220 and was fortunately stopped somewhere near Bellwood. When it was fully explained to me that Rachel was simply a park employee and not trying to marry me, I was able to return to the park unscathed.

The Potato Salad Meltdown:
Doesn't everyone loathe false advertising or is it just me? Allow me to explain. DelGrosso Park is famous for their Potato Salad so I of course endeavored to purchase said potato salad along with my Marianna's Italian Hoagie and refreshing root beer beverage. How in the name of Sam Hill can you run a Food Court that advertises potato salad and then allow yourself to run out of it before I've had a chance to purchase any. There should be a law prohibiting this practice and I may write my congressman. If Trump wants to make America great again he can start by assuring us hungry bus drivers, that potato salad will be available upon request.

The Tower of Death:

DelGrosso Park has this torture device they call "The Free Fall Tower". Basically they strap you in a seat with a harness and seat belt from the 1950's. They elevate you to a height of about 30,000 feet, then without warning, Drop you from heaven at speeds approaching the sound barrier. For the record, I did not want to go on this mid-evil, suicidal death drop. But my fellow female co-workers (Lori Bond, Lisa Yohn, Clarissa Clinger and Andrea Butler) were in desperate need of my calming influence. Basically they begged me to save them from this ravenous hell ride and me, being the chivalrous man hunk that I am, was unable to refuse 4 delightful damsels in distress. Besides... they were calling me a sissy boy if I didn't get on. As we began our ascent. I closed my eyes BUT ONLY so I could lead us in prayer for the safety of the women on the ride. When we reached the summit I attempted to calm my frightened friends by screaming out a hymn I learned as a lad... "Closer My Lord to Thee". Unfortunately at that height, it sounded more like I was shouting, "Get me Edger Snyder on the Phone... I wanna Sue DelGrosso Park!!!!!" Then without warning... it happened. They say your life passes before you when you're about to die. Well paint me red and call me a barn but that drop was so fast I only got to the part where I was conceived. In closing and for the record, the wetness on the front of my pants was from rain water that was still laying in a puddle on the seat.

The Day I ALMOST Got Hustled By a 6 Year Old

Look at me. All happy and enjoying the company of my good friend Tim Behe and his lovely daughter Elsie. Sipping on a chocolate milk shake and livin' la vida loca at Vale Wood Farms. Little did I know that a mere 15 minutes later I was about to be hustled by a 6 year old ring toss hustler.

Allow me to paint this picture.

I'm on a Field Trip to Vale Wood Farms, with 30 some kindergartners and their adult supervisors. I'm chillin'. Having a good time as the picture above will witness, when I decided to gather 10 or 15 of these munchkins in a circle to explain economics to them. You see, they had just received their ice cream cones, which along with the smell of manure, is just one of the many benefits to visiting Vale Wood Farms.

Where was I... oh yes... the ice cream cones and economics. So I'm explaining wages and 401K's with these cherub faced, ice cream eating kindergartners when I get to the part about taxes. So I'm explaining how they each owe me 25% of their ice cream cones and I'd be around before they got back on the bus, to collect. Yeah. A few of them were brought to tears but how do you think I feel when Uncle Sammy takes his cut from me? Exactly. I'm providing a service here.

Anyway, after taking a healthy bite out of 4 or 5 cones I noticed one little girl playing ring toss all by herself. She wasn't eating an ice cream cone. Evidently she was a fast eater and had devoured her cone before I had the chance to collect.

So this little punk kid thinks she can roll Pat Stuckey on her ice cream tax?
I don't think so!
I'm not havin' it!
Nope. Pat Stuckey is not as dumb as he looks, people!

So I challenges little Miss "I already ate my cone" to a game of ring toss.
If I win... she has to wash the windows on the bus.
If she wins... she gets to drive the bus home.
Don't worry... I got this.

So it's my turn first and I toss a perfectly targeted blue ring towards the third bowling pin to the right. It was hanging on by a strand but it counted all the same! The little girl calmly walked up to the line and tossed a pink ring with the same velocity and trajectory as my ring and knocked my ring right off and landed hers firmly around the pin. Oh... so that's how we're gunna play this?

A hush grew over the crowd as it was now my turn for a second toss. With all the confidence of an Olympic Ring Toss athlete I hurled my green ring through the perfect azure blue sky. It was AWESOME. It seemed to just hang suspended in mid-air and float gently towards the bowling pins. However. It landed a foot short of the target. The little girl stepped to the line then taunted me by closing her eyes and hurling her ring in a willy-nilly manner. Hers landed perfectly on a bowling pin. Spun three times then came to rest.

Little Girl 2. Bus Driver 0.
No problem... I still had 3 more rings.

With all the determination and heart of a champion, I reared back my arm and gave my yellow ring a mighty ring toss thrust at the bowling pins. God Almighty could not have kept that ring from landing on it's target. God Almighty couldn't but a frickin' gust of wind did. Were talkin' Hurricane force wind. Maybe an F5 Tornado. Whatever. I missed the bowling pins by a good two feet. The little girl didn't even bother aiming. She tossed her ring up on the roof of the barn only to turn her back as it glided down the roof, fell over the edge and landed smack dab on a bowling pin.

I called a foul.
"Hey... that's cheating! You're not allowed to use any foreign objects in Ring Toss and she just banked that one off the barn. No Fair! No Do-overs!"

The score remained 2-0. It's go time!
Actually... it's go for the tie time.

By now a rather large group of children and adult supervisors, gathered to watch, what they were calling, "A Girl beat the Bus Driver in Ring Toss." I deftly averted their attention away from the bowling pins, "Hey, isn't that President Trump by that cow?", then ran over and dropped my ring directly on top of the 1st pin. The Front pin... the Bonus pin.

Oh you didn't know about the bonus pin?

Yeah. The bonus pin is worth like 50 points. If you get a ringer on the bonus pin you automatically win. It's in the rules. It totally is. Look it up if you don't believe me.

So yeah. This was the day I ALMOST got hustled by a 6 year old.
I must say, she did I nice job cleaning the windows.