The above picture represents over 100 years of school bus/van driving experience. These are the people the Altoona School District PROUDLY employs to transport the Future of America, to school. That being said, they should never under any circumstance EVER be allowed to assemble at any amusement park in the future. Let me start this post by first stating that I had nothing to do with the DelGrosso Park Security being called. Nor is their any witness to any alleged crimes that may or may not have occurred. Furthermore, I can not be held responsible for the misconduct of my fellow drivers and in no way do I accept responsibility for any damaged rides, picnic tables or park personnel. For the record, there is NO documented evidence in the form of photographs or video that would implement me in the defacement of any park buildings with blue cotton candy. I feel I need to be specific on this point... the BLUE cotton candy. I may or may not have been in contact with PINK cotton candy as the hours of 11:00 am to 12:00 noon are somewhat fuzzy to my recollection.
The Wrist Band Incident:
In my defense, I was not pre-warned that there would be park employees attaching FREE RIDE wrist bands to our wrist. When the young girl named Rachel attempted to attach a wrist band to my wrist, the experience awakened a latent fear of commitment on my part. Being a twice divorced professional, I sometimes suffer PTMS (Post Traumatic Marital Syndrome) which triggers my fight or flight response. I immediately began running down Route 220 and was fortunately stopped somewhere near Bellwood. When it was fully explained to me that Rachel was simply a park employee and not trying to marry me, I was able to return to the park unscathed.
The Potato Salad Meltdown:
Doesn't everyone loathe false advertising or is it just me? Allow me to explain. DelGrosso Park is famous for their Potato Salad so I of course endeavored to purchase said potato salad along with my Marianna's Italian Hoagie and refreshing root beer beverage. How in the name of Sam Hill can you run a Food Court that advertises potato salad and then allow yourself to run out of it before I've had a chance to purchase any. There should be a law prohibiting this practice and I may write my congressman. If Trump wants to make America great again he can start by assuring us hungry bus drivers, that potato salad will be available upon request.
The Tower of Death:
DelGrosso Park has this torture device they call "The Free Fall Tower". Basically they strap you in a seat with a harness and seat belt from the 1950's. They elevate you to a height of about 30,000 feet, then without warning, Drop you from heaven at speeds approaching the sound barrier. For the record, I did not want to go on this mid-evil, suicidal death drop. But my fellow female co-workers (Lori Bond, Lisa Yohn, Clarissa Clinger and Andrea Butler) were in desperate need of my calming influence. Basically they begged me to save them from this ravenous hell ride and me, being the chivalrous man hunk that I am, was unable to refuse 4 delightful damsels in distress. Besides... they were calling me a sissy boy if I didn't get on. As we began our ascent. I closed my eyes BUT ONLY so I could lead us in prayer for the safety of the women on the ride. When we reached the summit I attempted to calm my frightened friends by screaming out a hymn I learned as a lad... "Closer My Lord to Thee". Unfortunately at that height, it sounded more like I was shouting, "Get me Edger Snyder on the Phone... I wanna Sue DelGrosso Park!!!!!" Then without warning... it happened. They say your life passes before you when you're about to die. Well paint me red and call me a barn but that drop was so fast I only got to the part where I was conceived. In closing and for the record, the wetness on the front of my pants was from rain water that was still laying in a puddle on the seat.
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