Chapter 1: Chaos on the Bus

Bad Kids, Miscreants, Juvenile Delinquents, Scourge of Society, Deplorable Brats, Unwanted. Harsh words that could aptly define some of the children I transport daily to school, yet a horrible and tragic misjudgment of whom these children really are.

Let me back up and start over. This year, I was tasked with driving a group of children from, what some would describe, as the "poorer" part of town. I can't totally argue with that description. Most of these kids are wearing clothes that are, quite obviously, "hand me downs". I mean when a child's pant leg is a full 2 inches underneath his/her shoes to the point they are walking on them, one could safely conclude that an elder sibling wore them or they were donated by some philanthropic organization. Half these children look undernourished and their hygiene is questionable at best. I haven't learned all their personal stories...... yet, but again, safe to say they come from broken homes and in some cases are being raised by grandparents. I mean, I see who is standing at the bus stop and at least half of them are my age.

Now that I've described the situation, if you'll indulge me, I'd like to keep a running journal of how I'm trying to make a difference in the lives of these children.

The Bad Kids who really aren't bad.
The Miscreants who are misunderstood
The Juvenile Delinquents that are just juveniles
The Scourge of Society that society has forgotten
Deplorable Brats who are the products of deplorable parenting
Unwanted.... but not anymore

I've been driving them for 2 weeks now and I love each and every one of these Bad Kids. They're my miscreants, and this is their story.

Chapter 1: Chaos on the Bus
I'd be lying if I told you things went smoothly the first day. I thought I'd play a little mood music in the afternoon, to show these new kids that an old man like me can relate. You see I have this theory on bus driving that has to do with reaching kids through music but this group made me question it. It's been my experience in the past, that kids really enjoy it when I play music they can relate to. They don't want to hear music that the bus driver enjoys. Anything done before 2010 is considered "The Oldies" to an elementary aged child. No, they want to hear the songs they enjoy on youtube or that they've downloaded to their ipods. So, like I said, I played some Kidz Bop music on the bus's stereo system that was more relevant to their current listening habits. Big time rookie mistake. The minute Justin Timberlake began belting out the first verse of "Can't Stop the Feeling" from the movie "Trolls" the entire bus erupted in joyous screams, which isn't too bad but when combined with raucous jumping on seats and dancing in the aisles can form the recipe for chaos and confusion.

Time to rethink my music theory or at least establish boundaries for when the music is being played. I don't like thinking that much so I chose the later option.

I silenced the bus and did my best to restore order. I explained that the music was a privilege I was providing and they would have to stay seated if they wanted to hear more. I turned the volume back up and was quickly disappointed once again. Their good behavior lasted less than five seconds before chaos resumed. Again the bus was silenced. It was too hard to maintain "safe driving" and discipline "bad behavior" at the same time. I had to make a choice and Safe Driving won out. No more music. I needed to establish ground rules for when the music is on and tomorrow is another day.

It Takes TEAM WORK To Make The DREAM WORK

I'd like to tell you all, a little about the kids on my bus and how very proud I am of them for what they all did, concerning a new student on the bus and how they welcomed him with open arms.

Last Thursday was our first day together, and like any other endeavor in life, there is a bit of an adjustment, or learning curve, between students and bus driver. They've never met me and I've never met them. They don't know what I expect, as far as how to behave on a bus, and I don't know how they have behaved on the bus in the past. We all start out with a clean slate, so to speak.

Well, Day One went about 50/50 in my book.

I have a bus with a great sound system (FINALLY) and I'm taking full advantage of it. I recorded my own "Child appropriate" CD's. We listen to classical music on the way to school. This has worked out fantastic. I feel it's both culturally refining and helps the kids ease into their long school day. It's very soothing. In the afternoon, I like to reward the kids with music they all know and love. I made a "Kidz Bop" CD with songs like "Shake It Off", "Can't Stop The Feeling" and "Party in the USA". Well, the kids did love that part and at first it was working well as all the kids new the lyrics and happily sang along. BUT THEN..... they got the mistaken impression that standing up while the bus was moving, changing seats and turning around in their seats was perfectly okay. It is not. A couple times, I had to stop the music to correct such behavior. Remember, learning curve.

The next morning, we had a new passenger. An adorable young kindergartner who was very timid. He hadn't ridden the bus the day before, but he saw his big sister ride so he wanted to as well. I had him take a seat just a couple rows back and to my right. Probably the best place on a school bus for the driver to see what's going on. I picked up the rest of the kids (about 10 that morning) and they all sit in the last 4 rows. When we got to the school, I made the kids hold up. After securing my bus, I stood up and walked back to where the kindergartner was sitting. I had him stand and told all the other kids (ages 3rd and 4th grade) that we had a new student today. I told them his name and then I appointed a 4th grade girl to be my bus big sister for the day. I asked her to walk the new child into school and to make sure he got where he needed to be. She happily did so. You see I could have asked a boy, but boys tend to do things about half at that age. They would have ditched him the minute they got inside. Young ladies, on the other hand, are pleasers. They want to be the one erasing the chalk board. They want to be the one to show you their art project. They are the ones that will follow through with a task an adult ask them to.

On the way home that afternoon, I went over to where the new student was seated, made sure to ask him about his day, then offered him the chance to go back and sit with the bigger kids. Like I said, he was very timid. He chose to stay in the front of the bus. As I made my way back to the driver's seat, one of my 4th grade boys called the new child by name and asked him if he wanted to come back and sit with the rest of them. WOW! So very proud. I like to preach teamwork and friendship on my bus and these kids are already expressing it. He still chose to stay... timid.

When the "Kidz Bop" songs came on, he was delighted. As soon as a song came on that he knew (and he knew them all) he proudly stuck his little face around the seat in front of him just to let me know, "Hey, I know this song!" He smiled the whole way home. Then, when there where only two children left, the new kid and a 3rd grader. The 3rd grader requested to come up and sit with the kindergartner.

Let me repeat that. A 3rd grade boy... requested with out prompting... to sit next to a kindergartner.

It takes team work, to make the dream work.
Bus #80 is off to a great start!

Poetic Justice

Onest ‘pon a time, as we know from the rhyme
Lived a Bus Driver Named, Mr. Pat
A Jolly Old Man, with a fresh summer tan
And a Hair Line that called for a Hat

Bald, some would say, at the end of the day
But a kind hearted soul to his core
Quick with a joke, whenever he spoke
His demeanor was never a bore

But enough of this gent, and his charms heaven sent
It’s the kids on his bus that we ponder
A mischievous crew, from their heads to their shoes
And a gaze ‘pon their face full of wonder

Now don’t get me wrong, this aint no sad song
At the end, t’will be perfectly clear
That kids are the same, no matter their name
No matter the month or the year

It started out well, this tale that I tell
The children behaved like they ought’a
The morning commute, was a bit of a hoot
And they willingly went ‘cause they got’a

But by afternoon’s trip, they were rowdy a bit
It was so clear for all that could see
That the school day was taxing, and they wanted relaxing
It was Time for a Bus Mutiny!

Standing in aisles, with ear to ear smiles
Paper airplanes, all flying through out
They would not retreat, or stay in their seats
Through the bus they were walking about

So over the mic, came a tone they don’t like
I’M TELLING YOU KIDS TO SIT DOWN!
The children all shuddered, not a sound did they utter
Their smiles now had turned into frowns

DON’T TRY ME OR TEST ME
DON’T YOU DARE TRY TO BEST ME
ON THIS BUS, I’M THE BOSS, DON’T YOU DOUBT IT!
The morale you see, to stop a Bus Mutiny
Is the Lesson that’s learned when you shout it!

My First Day of School... The Sequel

Today was my first day back driving, "The Future of America", to their appointed school. The gravity of it all weighed heavily upon me the night before, as I tossed and turned, seeking that unreachable respite of slumber I so desperately needed. One Thousand and One thoughts ran through my weary mind, chasing away all hope of a restful eve, as hour followed hour of torturous insomnia.

Would the kids like me?
Will the parents accept me?
What is that green stuff stuck in my teeth?
What can I do this year to build upon last year's success?

And then it hit me... Classical Music ...
What 1st-4th grader doesn't just love Classical Music?
*Boom* *Mic Drop*

I will be the first bus driver in our fleet to play unrelenting, mind numbing, culture inducing Bach, Mozart and Beethoven symphonies during the hour plus ride, my young, captive student passengers are subjugated to endure with me.

Yes! Bus 80 will be the culture Bus.

The first hour long selection was a favorite of mine, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's, Oregano in G minor for Oboe and Cello. Now I know what you're all thinking and I agree. "Wolfie" tends to rely a little too much on piccolo solos in that one but the crescendo of the chord progression of the 5th bar of the 27th movement is totally worth it! And as I like to say... if it aint Baroque... don't fix it!

Where was I? Oh yes, Mozart's Oregano in G minor.
I was shocked, yes shocked I must say at the melodious sounds coming from the back of the school bus. Singing. And to think, all these years I thought Mozart's Oregano in G minor didn't have any lyrics. But it was unmistakable, what I heard emanating from just over my shoulder. My students... my brilliant cultured students, had actually written their very own lyrics.

It started out softly... like a baby's whisper as the boys Bass section began...

DumDumDumDum

Then two girls joined in singing Alto...
DumDumDumDum
Then finally the soprano section began the first verse...

The Bus Driver, the Bus Driver, the Bus Driver is...
Bass and Alto...
DumDumDumDum

I can hardly wait until tomorrow to see what these gifted children do with Beethoven's First, Second and Fifth Movements! It's going to be Epic!!!

My Bravery Knows No Bounds

Gosh I hate to toot my own horn but.... Toot frickin' Toot!

Yesterday, I found myself AGAIN at DelGrosso's Park. You may recall how last week my skills as a Gentleman, Hero and yes... Bus Driving God were required of me when four of my fellow "Female" STA Bus Drivers, perilously attempted the suicidal death drop of the 100 foot Free Fall ride at Bland's park.

Little did I know that, once again, my skills as a calming influence would be required when 3 more "Female" STA Bus Drivers requested my broad shoulders to cry and scream upon as they all wanted an exciting thrill ride at the park. I told them I'm saving myself for marriage and if they wanted a thrill ride, they'd have to look elsewhere.

That's when Lori, Diana and Vicki begged me to buck up their wavering nerves and steady their shaking legs, and ride the Gravity defying "Pharoah's Fury".

Lori snapped the above picture of my bravery and manliness.

Now to the untrained eye, it would appear that I was trying to escape over the railing while Diana pulled me back into line. The truth is, there was a group of 9 year olds waiting to get on the ride and I was merely being a kind and thoughtful adult and allow the children to board first.

Let me pause from the story for a second to relay a cautionary tale to anyone who may want to ride Pharoah's Fury in the coming summer season. Be forewarned that there is a sign at the front of the ride that says you have to be "So Tall" before you can get on the ride. They do not, however, have any warning as to how fat you can be before you CAN'T get on the ride. Let's just say it was a tight squeeze and had it have been any tighter I wouldn't have had an accident in my pants... it would have been an on purpose.

It was a mostly unremarkable ride with the exception of having my ear drum bombarded by Vicki's screams. My ears rang for the next hour or so but I did hear someone whisper...

"Have you ever noticed how Pat Stuckey and Superman are never in the same room?"

I think they're on to me.

Toot frickin' Toot

STA Takes over Delgrosso Park

The above picture represents over 100 years of school bus/van driving experience. These are the people the Altoona School District PROUDLY employs to transport the Future of America, to school. That being said, they should never under any circumstance EVER be allowed to assemble at any amusement park in the future. Let me start this post by first stating that I had nothing to do with the DelGrosso Park Security being called. Nor is their any witness to any alleged crimes that may or may not have occurred. Furthermore, I can not be held responsible for the misconduct of my fellow drivers and in no way do I accept responsibility for any damaged rides, picnic tables or park personnel. For the record, there is NO documented evidence in the form of photographs or video that would implement me in the defacement of any park buildings with blue cotton candy. I feel I need to be specific on this point... the BLUE cotton candy. I may or may not have been in contact with PINK cotton candy as the hours of 11:00 am to 12:00 noon are somewhat fuzzy to my recollection.

The Wrist Band Incident:
In my defense, I was not pre-warned that there would be park employees attaching FREE RIDE wrist bands to our wrist. When the young girl named Rachel attempted to attach a wrist band to my wrist, the experience awakened a latent fear of commitment on my part. Being a twice divorced professional, I sometimes suffer PTMS (Post Traumatic Marital Syndrome) which triggers my fight or flight response. I immediately began running down Route 220 and was fortunately stopped somewhere near Bellwood. When it was fully explained to me that Rachel was simply a park employee and not trying to marry me, I was able to return to the park unscathed.

The Potato Salad Meltdown:
Doesn't everyone loathe false advertising or is it just me? Allow me to explain. DelGrosso Park is famous for their Potato Salad so I of course endeavored to purchase said potato salad along with my Marianna's Italian Hoagie and refreshing root beer beverage. How in the name of Sam Hill can you run a Food Court that advertises potato salad and then allow yourself to run out of it before I've had a chance to purchase any. There should be a law prohibiting this practice and I may write my congressman. If Trump wants to make America great again he can start by assuring us hungry bus drivers, that potato salad will be available upon request.

The Tower of Death:

DelGrosso Park has this torture device they call "The Free Fall Tower". Basically they strap you in a seat with a harness and seat belt from the 1950's. They elevate you to a height of about 30,000 feet, then without warning, Drop you from heaven at speeds approaching the sound barrier. For the record, I did not want to go on this mid-evil, suicidal death drop. But my fellow female co-workers (Lori Bond, Lisa Yohn, Clarissa Clinger and Andrea Butler) were in desperate need of my calming influence. Basically they begged me to save them from this ravenous hell ride and me, being the chivalrous man hunk that I am, was unable to refuse 4 delightful damsels in distress. Besides... they were calling me a sissy boy if I didn't get on. As we began our ascent. I closed my eyes BUT ONLY so I could lead us in prayer for the safety of the women on the ride. When we reached the summit I attempted to calm my frightened friends by screaming out a hymn I learned as a lad... "Closer My Lord to Thee". Unfortunately at that height, it sounded more like I was shouting, "Get me Edger Snyder on the Phone... I wanna Sue DelGrosso Park!!!!!" Then without warning... it happened. They say your life passes before you when you're about to die. Well paint me red and call me a barn but that drop was so fast I only got to the part where I was conceived. In closing and for the record, the wetness on the front of my pants was from rain water that was still laying in a puddle on the seat.

The Day I ALMOST Got Hustled By a 6 Year Old

Look at me. All happy and enjoying the company of my good friend Tim Behe and his lovely daughter Elsie. Sipping on a chocolate milk shake and livin' la vida loca at Vale Wood Farms. Little did I know that a mere 15 minutes later I was about to be hustled by a 6 year old ring toss hustler.

Allow me to paint this picture.

I'm on a Field Trip to Vale Wood Farms, with 30 some kindergartners and their adult supervisors. I'm chillin'. Having a good time as the picture above will witness, when I decided to gather 10 or 15 of these munchkins in a circle to explain economics to them. You see, they had just received their ice cream cones, which along with the smell of manure, is just one of the many benefits to visiting Vale Wood Farms.

Where was I... oh yes... the ice cream cones and economics. So I'm explaining wages and 401K's with these cherub faced, ice cream eating kindergartners when I get to the part about taxes. So I'm explaining how they each owe me 25% of their ice cream cones and I'd be around before they got back on the bus, to collect. Yeah. A few of them were brought to tears but how do you think I feel when Uncle Sammy takes his cut from me? Exactly. I'm providing a service here.

Anyway, after taking a healthy bite out of 4 or 5 cones I noticed one little girl playing ring toss all by herself. She wasn't eating an ice cream cone. Evidently she was a fast eater and had devoured her cone before I had the chance to collect.

So this little punk kid thinks she can roll Pat Stuckey on her ice cream tax?
I don't think so!
I'm not havin' it!
Nope. Pat Stuckey is not as dumb as he looks, people!

So I challenges little Miss "I already ate my cone" to a game of ring toss.
If I win... she has to wash the windows on the bus.
If she wins... she gets to drive the bus home.
Don't worry... I got this.

So it's my turn first and I toss a perfectly targeted blue ring towards the third bowling pin to the right. It was hanging on by a strand but it counted all the same! The little girl calmly walked up to the line and tossed a pink ring with the same velocity and trajectory as my ring and knocked my ring right off and landed hers firmly around the pin. Oh... so that's how we're gunna play this?

A hush grew over the crowd as it was now my turn for a second toss. With all the confidence of an Olympic Ring Toss athlete I hurled my green ring through the perfect azure blue sky. It was AWESOME. It seemed to just hang suspended in mid-air and float gently towards the bowling pins. However. It landed a foot short of the target. The little girl stepped to the line then taunted me by closing her eyes and hurling her ring in a willy-nilly manner. Hers landed perfectly on a bowling pin. Spun three times then came to rest.

Little Girl 2. Bus Driver 0.
No problem... I still had 3 more rings.

With all the determination and heart of a champion, I reared back my arm and gave my yellow ring a mighty ring toss thrust at the bowling pins. God Almighty could not have kept that ring from landing on it's target. God Almighty couldn't but a frickin' gust of wind did. Were talkin' Hurricane force wind. Maybe an F5 Tornado. Whatever. I missed the bowling pins by a good two feet. The little girl didn't even bother aiming. She tossed her ring up on the roof of the barn only to turn her back as it glided down the roof, fell over the edge and landed smack dab on a bowling pin.

I called a foul.
"Hey... that's cheating! You're not allowed to use any foreign objects in Ring Toss and she just banked that one off the barn. No Fair! No Do-overs!"

The score remained 2-0. It's go time!
Actually... it's go for the tie time.

By now a rather large group of children and adult supervisors, gathered to watch, what they were calling, "A Girl beat the Bus Driver in Ring Toss." I deftly averted their attention away from the bowling pins, "Hey, isn't that President Trump by that cow?", then ran over and dropped my ring directly on top of the 1st pin. The Front pin... the Bonus pin.

Oh you didn't know about the bonus pin?

Yeah. The bonus pin is worth like 50 points. If you get a ringer on the bonus pin you automatically win. It's in the rules. It totally is. Look it up if you don't believe me.

So yeah. This was the day I ALMOST got hustled by a 6 year old.
I must say, she did I nice job cleaning the windows.

The Wisdom of Solomon OR A Snap Decision

I struggled with the naming of this post because on the one hand, the wisdom I used to solve a problem was quite Biblical BUT it was also a bit of a snap decision. Allow me to explain.

It started out to be a peaceful, serene rainy Friday morning. Nothing of any great note. Yes one student was nearly speared by another student with his umbrella but that falls under the heading of normal. I did have mud and gunk splash up on my window by an 18 wheeler driving down 6th Avenue but that's happened before and probably will again. Oh, and I did have a car ALMOST run my flashing red lights today because evidently my bus isn't big enough or yellow enough or that text message she was sending was more important... but once more... been there/done that.

No today was turning out to be a pleasant, lazy start to my weekend until........

(Gemma) "MR. STUCKEY! MR. STUCKEY! PEYTON TOOKED MY PENCIL!!"

(Peyton) "NUH UH MR. STUCKEY! THIS IS MY PENCIL! GEMMA JUST THINKS IT'S HER PENCIL BUT IT'S NOT!"

(Gemma) "IT'S MY PENCIL PEYTON! IT'S YELLOW AND HAS A 2 ON IT!"

(Peyton) "NUH UH!"

(Me) "Alright you two, quit yelling, I'm right here. Now Gemma, why do you think the pencil is yours BESIDES the fact it's yellow and has a 2 on it?"

(Gemma) "Because I was playing with it and sat it down and Peyton tooked it!"

(Me) "Well first off, you shouldn't have had it out while the bus was moving and you certainly shouldn't have been playing with it. Peyton, did you see Gemma playing with her pencil, then picked it up?"

(Peyton) "No. I got it for Easter in my Easter basket."

Hmmmmm... you can see my dilemma. How do I know which 6 year old is telling me the truth? I know, I'll go all Biblical on them.

"Okay girls, here's how we'll settle it. I'm going to snap the pencil in half and give you each one half."

Peyton shrieked and started to cry. Gemma was all to eager to pocket half a pencil. Huh... that old Bible tale actually works.

From "MOO" to YOU

Today, I had the up most pleasure and honor to transport 19 preschool children, ages 4-5, from "The Academy" on Logan Blvd. to Vale Wood Farms in Loretto, PA.

Talk about amped up!

These rambunctious youngin's practically broke the sound barrier (if not my eardrums) with their high pitched hoots and hollers of glee. Seems they had never been on an actual school bus, so today's trip offered not only a chance to meet real live moo cows... but to be escorted in the luxury of STA's finest transport... The Big Yellow pot hole seaking limo called Bus 24.

It was a mere 25 minute drive up the mountain and our final destination, fortunately, coincided with the approximate limit of these tiny tots even tinier bladders. We made it juuuuuust in the potty break nick of time.

Twenty minutes later the children's tour began where they learned everything about COWS and MILK from the "MOO" to the "YOU".

At least 25% of these cherub faced preschoolers asked, with the sincerest of hearts, if they could take one of the cows home with us on the bus. For the record, STA frowns upon farm animals in the cabin area of their school buses.

Sincere hearts broken!
An even BIGGER potential potty break mishap averted.
(Those cows left some gimundous sized cow patties in the stables... score one for STA's "No Animals in the cabin" policy)

I couldn't help myself but to amaze the cow maiden giving the tour when she asked if there were any questions. I queried...

"How come cow stools only have 3 legs instead of 4?"

She didn't know so I told her...

"Because the cow's got the utter... get it... he's got the utter... that's where the 4th leg is... funny huh?"

The other adults were able to successfully negotiate my return to the tour as long as I didn't ask any more questions or try to tell any more jokes.

After an ice cream break, we had some down time where I was peppered with the following questions...

"Why your name?" (He meant What is your name?)
"Do you live in the bus?"
"Can I live in the bus?"

Now it was my turn to ask a question, so I asked one little freckle faced girl named Addison, where she thought ice cream came from. She quickly answered, "From Cows." She in turn asked me if I like ice cream because I wasn't eating any. I answered her that I prefer Cake and Pie then asked her where she thought cakes and pies came from. Without missing a beat she replied, "From Birthday Parties!"

I couldn't have said it better.

Things that go Bump (Dammit) in the Night

As a Bus Driver, there are certain "Tells" I look for to inform me on how my day is going to go.

1) Did I make the light at the 7th Street bridge?
2) How much of a log Jam is there in front of the Junior High?
3) How many bowls of Fruit Loops did Lillyanna eat that morning?

Lillyanna is this precious blonde haired, brown eyed second grader who rides my bus daily and I can always tell what kind of morning I'm going to have by the height Lillyanna attains while jumping up and down at the bus stop. A two to three inch jump usually means she's only consumed one bowl of Fruit Loops. I consider that to be a manageable day. Anything over three inches to a foot spells trouble as Lillyanna has most certainly eaten multiple bowls of that sugary delectable delight and I will be the beneficiary of a very long story.

I estimate today to be a three bowl morning.

The following conversation was actually had this morning before school as the students awaited the bell. It was done with no breaths taken between sentences as will clearly be depicted by the lack of punctuation in the telling of today's story. Fortunately, I was expecting it so I took down bullet points to relay it to you... the reader. And now, without further adieu... Things that go Bump (Dammit) in the Night

Mr. Stuckey last night I saw a racoon and it was eating our garbage but I thought it was my cat Cookie but it wasn't because it was a raccoon did you know they call raccoons bandits and sometimes they're called night bandits because they only come out at night however I once saw a raccoon during the day but my mom made me come inside because evidently raccoons have scabies and if you see a raccoon during the day it's probably because they are sick with scabies and raccoons are also called natures garbage disposals because they eat garbage out of garbage cans which is what this raccoon was doing and my mom got scarred because she heard the noise outside so she took her flashlight and went outside to investigate in her boyfriends flannel shirt because it was unseasonably warm last night and my mom usually wears two pairs of pajama bottoms because she gets cold but it was warm so she was only wearing the flannel shirt and when she went outside she banged real loud into the trash can and she said a bad word she said the "D" word that ends in "it" that I'm not allowed to say but I guess she was really mad because she fell down and because she wasn't wearing pajama bottoms since it was warm out the whole neighborhood could see her underwear the ones with the holes in not the pink pair with the flowers but the blue ones she's had since I was a baby did you know that raccoons are a nocturnal mammal native to north and central america I learned that watching the discovery channel because my pappy likes watching shows with animals and it's his fault the raccoon was there in the first place because of my pappy's biscuits which aren't really biscuits they're pieces of old bread he throws out for the birds but we just call them biscuits oh is that the bell well have a nice day Mr. Stuckey

The Day I Joined the Circus

Today, I finally fulfilled a nearly lifelong dream, and joined the Jaffa Shrine Circus. Allow me to explain. At the mere age of Nine, I recall my evil, heartless parents visiting upon me the torturous affliction of having to clean my room and eat all my Brussels sprouts. It was then, through muted mouth fulls of said Sprouts, I cried out in disgust. I voiced my protestations in the form of a threat. I was going to run away from home..... and Join the Circus. That would surely teach my wretched parents a much deserved lesson. How was my mother going to explain my obvious disappearance at the next Church social? How was my father ever going to live with himself and the knowledge that he chased his loving blue eyed son away, never to be seen again?

My Plan was Perfect. Flawless. Genius!

But then cartoons came on our television and I was easily distracted.

The circus came and went and I was doomed to a life of cleaning my room and eating Brussels Sprouts. Oh the horror!

That is until today. I was able to bid on a Field Trip that took me and several 2nd graders from Penn Lincoln Elementary to the Jaffa Mosque and the Jaffa Shrine Circus. Again... my plan was Perfect. Flawless and yes... Genius. I was going to ditch these youngsters, make my way to the ring master and put in my application for (you guessed it) "The Circus". Was it wrong to abandon all those cherub faced 2nd graders with no apparent ride back to school? I figured what the heck. They're young and probably have parents that would come looking for them. Does that make me a bad person? I mean, it certainly wasn't covered under the Bus Driver Handbook. I figured it was a judgement call at best. Besides, they were at least Eight Years of Age, being second graders and all, maybe they'd ALSO like to join the circus. Who was I to Crush their tender dreams?

Yes... this actually was my thought process.
But there was one thing I had not counted on.
The circus didn't want me.

Evidently they had enough clowns and I was deemed too feminine looking to be the Bearded Lady. Curse my good looks and soft, supple skin!

Well in closing I must say that perhaps everything worked out the way it was intended. The second graders got back to their school and I got back to driving a school bus. It probably wouldn't have worked out anyhow. There was this ferocious animal I met backstage that was sizing me up to be that evenings dinner. I viscous snarling beast that the circus trainers had to hold at bay. Clarabelle "The Ferocious". 

The One Where I Join A Biker Gang

Typical Day. Got Up. Ate Breakfast. Showered. Brushed my teeth and oh yeah.... I joined a Biker Gang. Here's how it all happened. I had this field trip today, for a bunch of pre-schoolers at Lily Pond. On the way, a bunch of big, mean, and surly bikers got behind me. It just so happened that I had to cross over railroad tracks and if you ever drove a bus... you know the whole routine. Turn on your 4 ways... Stop... Open the window and the door... look both ways... twice... then close the door and window and proceed in the lowest gear. Being behind all that bus action can get quite annoying so imagine my surprise when I pulled up to the school building and 11 Bikers and Biker babes pulled in behind me... backed their bikes up and slowly got off their hogs. 

My mind was reeling. Are they ticked because I slowed them down? Did I stare to long at one of the Biker babes? (Mind you, I do have a strict NO dating girls with bugs in their teeth rule but that does not preclude awkward gawking or an occasional, stalkeresque dwelling stare).

The biggest... the meanest... the surliest biker of them all said, "I'll get the bus driver."

Uh Oh! Somebodies getting a butt whipping.

My Fight or Flight skills kicked in... I pee'd myself... twice.
(A defensive maneuver used to disguise my scent)

So I'm thinking... do I close the doors, turn on the engine and back up over all these bikers and their bikes, speed away and avoid a butt whipping? Too Late... the Big mean Surly Biker came up to my window and introduced himself... his name was Animal and he was the leader of a group of Bikers called B.A.C.A. Bikers Against Child Abuse and they weren't there to whip my butt... they were there to escort me and the Lily Pond kids into H-burg to hold a rally on the steps of the Court House.

Six Screaming Harleys in front of me and Five Screaming Harleys behind. We even went through a yellow light... I'm such a bad ass! And the best part of the story.... they made me an honorary Biker in charge of getting them coffee and washing the bikes. Cool Huh? That's like double bonus points on my Man Card!

I even got one of those awesome Biker names.
They call me Fang.
Fang the Destroyer of Cheese Cakes

Altoona Silks Take 1st Place

I had a wonderful field trip with the Altoona Silks, in Portage, PA. Our girls took first place and performed their routine (as the judges scored it) with ZERO Flaws! The Silks hold a special place in my heart, as my daughter Erica was Captain of her squad in 1999. The whole team made me feel very honored to be their bus driver, and my girl Destiny (kneeling in front) danced and sang the whole way to and from Portage. A special thanks to fellow driver, Marlene Snyder, for taking this picture and who's daughter Tasha is on my right, wearing red.

14 Hours Later...

I had a Field Trip on Saturday. It lasted 14 hours. The actual trip was 95 minutes both ways. There were 30+ Teenage Girls on the bus. Let's review... 30+ teenage girls confined in a school bus for nearly 3 hours with me... what could go wrong?

It was a total blast and the girls made me an honorary majorette. I in turn, taught them the "Double Dab Peace Sign" that my 8 year old granddaughter invented. They loved it so much they used it as their signature move coming out of their huddle just prior to their performance.

I felt so very honored to be the bus driver to all those awesome rock star young ladies and I felt even more honored when they called me out of the stands to pose with them and their trophies.

Thank you ladies :)

The Sleepover

Certainly you can remember those days when you planned awesome sleepovers with all your friends? You had grandiose schemes of making smores... telling ghost stories and of course... staying up all night. Well in today's bus conversation, I can proudly say that I had zero input and even less influence. It took place between 3 kindergarten girls and here's how it went down...

Emma: You should come over to my grandma's house after school and we can have a sleepover.

Gemma: I don't know where she lives?

Emma: It's easy to find. You just go to the white porch, then go this way and that way. You can't come in the front door because the cat will get out. Oh, and there's a dog who barks a lot next door. You can't pet him because he's blind in one eye and bites, but you can pet the cat, she scratches but only when you pet her belly so don't pet her belly or the dog.

Peyton: I want to come to the sleepover too.

Emma: You can come too but you have to sleep in the middle.

Peyton: Okay.

Emma: And you can't jump up and down on the bed. My grandma doesn't like that.

Peyton: Okay.

Gemma: And don't pet the dog.

Peyton: Okay.

Emma: And don't pet the cat's belly.

Peyton: Okay..... I don't know where you live?

Gemma: Not Emma's house, her grandma's house and don't go on the white porch.

Emma: She can go on the porch... just don't open the front door.

Gemma: Oh yeah, that's right. And don't pet the dog.

Peyton: You already said that.

Gemma: Oh yeah... I forgoted.

Times Table Takedown

I have a third grade student passenger who sits about half way to the back of the bus. Two days ago, he requested to sit right behind me after the students that regularly sit there, departed. He's done this in the past, usually because he has something on his mind or he wants to ask me a question. He's a good kid and I don't mind a question or two or helping him by just listening. The tables got turned on me the other day... or should I say... the times tables got turned.

TWO DAYS AGO
(3rd Grader) "Mr. Stuckey, what's 4 x 7?"
(Me) "28."
(3rd Grader) "What's 7 x 8?"
(Me) "56."
(3rd Grader) "What's 8 x 9?"
(Me) "72."
(3rd Grader) "Okay thanks."

YESTERDAY
(3rd Grader) "Hey Bus Driver, what's 4 x 9?"
(Me) "36."
(3rd Grader) "And what's 7 x 7?"
(Me) "That would be 49."
(3rd) "There... my homework's all done."
(Me) "Wait... did you just dupe me into doing your homework?
(3rd Grader) "What's dupe mean?"
(Me) "Tricked... did you trick me into doing your math homework?"
(3rd Grader) "Well technically no because I filled out the paper."
(Me) "But I gave you the answers. The point of homework is for you to do the lesson so you can learn how to find the answer yourself........ By the way... how did I do yesterday?"
(3rd Grader) "We got a 100%."
(Me) "WE got 100%?"
(3rd Grader) "Technically... yes."

Kiss and Tell

Everyday I drive the same route. I pick up the same students at the same stops. Everyday, one of my students, a 1st grader, goes through the same routine. It begins by First, kissing her dog BoBo. Then kissing her mom. Then kissing BoBo again. Then kissing her mom again. Then finally kissing BoBo once more. Today the routine was interrupted... not the kissing part... the aftermath. The young lady got on the bus with a disgusted look on her face and semi-spitting. I asked her what was wrong and she told me BoBo kissed her on the mouth. Evidently the experience was much more pleasurable for BoBo then it was for the 1st grader. As far as I was concerned......... I now had my topic of the day! Bonus!!!

When we arrived at school, the same children that come forward for our morning chats, again came forward. I posed the question...
"HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KISSED ON THE MOUTH BY A DOG?"

(3rd Grader) "I had a dog once that used to kiss my mom, but he died."
(Me) "He died from kissing your mom???"
(3rd Grader) "No, he got hit by a car."

(1st Grader) "I wouldn't want to kiss my dog on the mouth because he has bad breath, 'cause he doesn't brush his teeth."
(Me) "Well they say a dog's mouth is cleaner than a humans."
(1st Grader) "Not my dog, he once ate his vomit and he licks himself in inappropriate places."
(Me) "Yeah... I wouldn't want to kiss your dog on the mouth either."

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

A scientific poll was conducted today of 36 Baker Elementary School Students, by the Stuckey Research Center, and found that a whopping 100% (that would be 36 of 36) participants will be "Going to the Beach" this coming Summer. This does not bode well for "Camping" or "Learning a Craft" unless that craft involves sea shells, as 35 out of 36 students are going to the beach simply to collect sea shells. 1% of the students are going because their cousin is getting married in South Carolina and she's being forced to go. Of all 36 children, 0% will be swimming due to shark attacks. When confronted by the statistic that less than .0000037 percent of swimmers will be attacked by sharks and that it is far more likely to be attacked by an alligator in your backyard, the poll results changed to 40% of students being affraid to go swimming and 60% of students now feared going in their backyard. A follow-up question was asked of Mr. Stuckey of the Stuckey Research Center. "Mr. Stuckey, will you be going to the beach?" The students were informed that Mr. Stuckey will no longer go to the beach because the last time he went, 5 people thought he was a whale that washed ashore and kept trying to push him back into the Ocean. #FreeWilly

I'm Older Than Dirt

From February 21, 2017

After much speculation and scientific testing, Bus 24 has determined that I am indeed... old. So old (evidently) that I predate historic landmarks, the students school building and yes... dirt. It started quite innocently this morn, when an excited 2nd grader, Lilly, could not wait to share with me, the rock specimen she had discovered.

(Lilly) "Look what I found Mr. Stuckey!!!"

(Me) "That's really cool Lilly... it's a rock... a round, smooth rock."

(Lilly) "Yes Mr. Stuckey, I know it's a rock, but look... you can see growth marks (rings), it must be very old, at least 100 years."

(Me) "I bet it's even older than that... probably millions of years old and from the color and the ring markings, I'd say it was lava that came from a volcano and slowly cooled."

(Another student) "Is it older than the school?"

(Me) "Yes!"

(Lilly) "Mr. Stuckey already told us HE's older than the school."

(I did... and I am)

(The other student) "Are you older than the rock?"

(Me) "Sometimes I feel like I am."

(Lilly) "Did you say my rock came from a volcano?"

(Me) "Yes, Millions of years ago and erosion made it smooth."

(Lilly) "That can't be right, I didn't see any volcanoes at the swing set at the Legion Park and that's where I found it."

(The other Student) "Are you older than Legion Park, Mr. Stuckey?"

(Me) "Sometimes I feel like I am."

The Bus Driver Diet

From February 14, 2017

Evidently the kids on my Bus felt I needed to go on a diet. A diet of cup cakes, brownies, cookies, candy bars and lollipops. I'm guessing they want to bulk me up for winter. This past week alone one of my students moms baked a batch of brownies and gave me 4. Then another mom baked heart shaped cookies for Valentine's Day and I was the beneficiary of a 1/2 dozen. One 6 year-old brought me one of those Tastykake cream filled cupcakes. I said "One". As we all on the East Coast know,Tastykake's come 2 to a package. Evidently she got hungry waiting in the car, for the bus to arrive. (Needless to say, I'll be arriving at Her Stop 5 minutes earlier from now on). Yesterday I scored a Huge Hershey's Candy bar and today I got a Teenage Mutant Ninja lollipop. Now you can question the wisdom of taking dietary notes from 6-12 year-olds, but then.... they're the ones going to school... maybe they know something we don't!

Cupid's Boobies are Showing

From February 10, 2017

Now you'd have thought I learned my lesson earlier this week, when the subject of 'the birds and the bees' came up, to not broach such controversial subjects. You'd have thought that but us Stuckey's like to learn things the hard way... builds character. Anywho... today the subject of CUPID came up so I asked the "Future of America" (my kids) what they could tell me about the God of Love and Hallmark Cards.... the Red One... Sir Cupid.

(Ayden) "Cupid shoots arrows that make you fall in love with the first person you see after you get stuck." (Good start... what could possibly go wrong?)

(Tristen) "Cupid is a baby and he wears a diaper"

The thought of Cupid in Diapers was evidently some sort of giggle trigger word as half the bus broke out in laughter.

(Hannah) "Cupid is Seventeen Fourteen Thousand years old."

(Me) "And yet he's wearing that same diaper... it must be pretty smelly by now."

Big Rookie Mistake on my part as the whole Bus used my statement about a smelly diaper to start chanting... "CUPID'S GOT A POOPY DIAPER! CUPID'S GOT A POOPY DIAPER!" All decorum of decency had left the Bus and it was now my Job to quell the Chants and steer the discussion elsewhere.

(Me) "Okay Okay... Cupid's got a poppy diaper... I get it... what else can you tell me about Cupid?"

(John) "You can see Cupid's Boobs."

Again... evidently along with diaper... boobs is a trigger word for giggling among elementary aged children.

(Me) "Alright... that's enough... we do not use the word boobs on the bus."

If I'd had only remembered the sage words of advice from my dear departed grandmother when she implored me... When in a Hole... quit digging. Now the whole bus started chanting... "CUPID'S GOT BOOBS! CUPID'S GOT BOOBS!"

Where Babies Come From

February 8, 2017

Now I know what you're thinking. Certainly I was not foolish enough to have a conversation about the birds and the bees on a bus full of elementary aged children. Well you would be correct in that assumption... however... that did not preclude a gaggle of kindergartners from breaching that very subject this morning. Allow me to explain... one of my third graders is about to become a big brother and I asked him if his mommy had the baby yet. He replied, "No, she's still pregnant." Which prompted the following conversation among 3 kindergartners...

(Child 1) "What's pregnant?"
(Child 2) "That's when your mommy gets fat, goes to the hospital and brings home a little sister."
(Child 3) "No... my mommy brought home a baby brother."
(Child 1 confused) "Mr. Stuckey, where do babies come from?"
(Me) "Well... uh... ummm... I think you should ask your parents that question"
(Child 1) "It's okay if you don't know the answer... we won't think less of you."

The Unfortunate, Untimely Death of Woofie the Dog

From February 6, 2017

It's not easy being heard on the bus. What with the roar of the engine and 4 sets of heaters running, not to mention all the other conversations going on amongst all the student passengers. Yet, inevitably, one or more kids will try to cut through the chatter and bus sounds and I have to try and make sense of what they're telling me. Such was the case today. Lilly, a second grader, wanted to tell me about her pap, her mom and a dog named Woofie.

Now what I heard through the chatter was...
"My pap brought over a dog *blah blah blah* same age as my baby brother (18 months) *blah blah blah* My mom sat on him *blah blah blah*"

(Me) "So is Woffie okay?"
(Lilly) "No Mr. Stuckey, Woofie is Dead!"
(Me) "Wait... your mom sat on Woofie and he's dead?"
(Lilly) "No Mr. Stuckey. Woofie died a long time ago!" 
(Me) "I thought you said Woofie was the same age as your baby brother?"
(Lilly) "No Mr. Stuckey... my MOM was the same age as Bentley... my MOM is 33 years old now... this happened before I was born."

Ohhhhhh!
Now it's becoming clear. Her mom sat on Woofie when she was 18 months old but that's NOT what killed Woofie. Doing the Math... If her mom is 33 then Woofie would be like 230 in dog years so THAT'S why Woofie is dead. Now I told you that story to tell you about another story involving Lilly from last week. She and I got into a heated discussion about what you call mailmen when they're girls. I called them a mailwomen but Lilly was thrown off by the mixed pronouns and gave me a lecture on boys and girls. It even went bilingual as she told me I was a Senor and she was a Senora.

(Me) "Actually... you're a Senorita, which is a girl that's not married. Your mom is a Senora."
(Lilly) "My mom's not married, she had a boyfriend but he was crazy and my mom wanted to kill him (pause for reflection) Mr. Stuckey, I wasn't supposed to tell anybody about my mom wanting to kill him."

Well I for one wont be telling anybody about her mom wanting to kill her ex-boyfriend... I don't want to end up like Woofie!

Oh Say Can You Sing

From January 27. 2017

Our bus parks parallel to the flag pole so yesterday, as the flag was being raised, I felt it was my patriotic duty to sing the National Anthem. Now I'm not the best singer in the world but what I lack in pitch and talent I make up for in volume. I began to sing the Star Spangled Banner at the top of my voice with an ear piercing off key pitch that sent dogs and small children fleeing for safety. The students on the bus quickly begged me to cease my wretched rendition. But I was "tone death" to their cries. So despite the children's protestations, despite the howling of animals in a three block radius, despite the threats of students leaping out the windows into the freezing cold. I crossed my heart and sang the entire anthem... all four stanzas. Proud of my feat from the day before, I threatened to repeat an encore today. You'd have thought they cancelled recess from all the howling and boo's I received. It was a Mutiny... plain and simple. So we came to a compromise. Two of my students, a 5th grader and a 6th grader, sang "God Bless America" and they sang it... a capella... beautifully and on key. It was AMAZING! This is what driving a bus is all about. These little moments. I try to make an impression on the kids. Today... my kids made an impression on me.

Super-Baby / Kindergarten Love

From January 25, 2017

Super-Baby
Yesterday, one of my 2nd graders told me she has a baby brother and one of her favorite things to do with her baby brother is to lay on the floor and hold him up in the air and pretend he's flying like (as she described it) "A Superhero" She said it makes him laugh. Evidently it also makes him pee... she found that lesson out the hard way when she played Super-Baby with his diaper off.

Kindergarten Love
(Me) "Gemma... where did you get those big brown eyes?"
(Gemma) "From Jesus and God."
(Me) "Hmmmm... good answer... so what's been going on in your life?"
(Gemma) "I have a boyfriend."
(Me) "Oh yeah? What's his name?"
(Gemma) "I don't know."
(Me) "How can you have a boyfriend and not know his name?"
(Gemma) "It's complicated."

A Non-Belieber

From January 23, 2017

Today, before the bell rang, one of my 6th graders came screaming up the isle.

(Katie) "MR. STUCKEY!!! If you care anything about me... if you don't want me to jump in front of the bus and kill myself... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, TURN THAT SONG OFF!!!"

I didn't exactly know what song she was referring to as I was sniffing scented markers one of my 5 year-olds had placed in front of my nose. (another story for another time)

(Me) "What song?"
(Katie) "Justin Bieber!!! I hate Justin Bieber!!!"
(Me) "Well he speaks highly of you."
(Another 6th Grader) "He plays old people music that nobody likes!"
(5th Grader) "And he's not even American... he's from Canada!"

Clearly I was losing this argument but it's not like us Stuckey's to just give up... we're stupid like that. I decided to belt out the lyrics to "Baby, Baby, Baby" at the top of my lungs. It was at that moment I realized that not only was I losing the argument for Justin's Bieber's Respect on the Bus but I had also lost the entire Bus'es respect for my singing ability. Thirty-eight elementary aged children covered their ears and protested in a very loud... BOOOOOOO!!!

(Me) "Ah c'mon, I have a great voice!"

That was met with an even louder BOOOOOOOOO!!!!.

(Me) "My voice is so good, I should be ON 'The Voice'."

The boo's were deafening at this point. BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

(Me) "Why if I was on 'The Voice', Blake Shelton would soooo steal me from Miley Cyrus!"

(3rd Grader) "Who's Miley Cyrus?"

(Me singing) "You came in like a wreeeeecking ball..."

There was a moment of silence then*...

BOOOOOOOOO!!!!

The Great Tooth Fairy Debate

From January 20, 2017

Now before you get the wrong idea from this post's title... The Great Tooth Fairy Debate of 2017 was not about the viability of the Tooth Fairy. The consensus of the Bus is that the Tooth Fairy's existence is settled science, as a clear majority of students have indeed been enriched by the largess of The Tooth Fairy and her nocturnal pursuits. Nay, Bus 24 took the debate to a whole other level.

Today's great debate query...
What does the Tooth Fairy do with the all those teeth, post collection?

We were able to narrow it down to two possibilities with a third option (He carries them off in his space ship) being dispensed with summarily as the logic of that argument quickly crumbled when a majority of students agreed that the Tooth Fairy has wings (being a fairy and all) and would not need a space ship.

The top two arguments were as follows...
(1) She gives them to your mommy to keep in a box on her dresser.
(2) She buries them in the back yard to grow more teeth, or a whole new kid.

So I ask you the reader, which option would you choose?

Shiver Me Timbers... Argggggh!

From January 19, 2017

Last night, my granddaughters gave me a fake skull and crossbones tattoo. So today, I told the kids that while we were off, I joined a pirate ship and became a pirate. Now after being around me these past couple months, they have learned to be skeptical about ANYTHING I say... I've been known to stretch the truth a time or two... hundred.

(Me) "Here... check out my totally real skull and crossbones tattoo. While we were off I joined a pirate ship and plundered me some booty."

(2nd grader) "If you're a pirate, where's your parrot and eye patch?"

(Me) "Well, my parrot flew away and I went to the optometrist and got my eye fixed."

(1st grader) "What's an optometrist?"

(Me) "Well an optometrist is an eye doctor."

Now one of my 6 year-old kindergartners wears glasses and choose this moment to speak for, what I believe to be, the very first time on the bus...

(Kindergartner) "I got my glasses from the eye doctor."

(Me) "Did you like your doctor?"

(Kindergartner) "Yes, but she couldn't make up her mind."

(Me) "What do you mean?"

(Kindergartner) "She made me look into a machine and kept asking me, Does this look better, does this look better, how about this, does this look better? I said Geesh lady... I'm only 6, why do you keep asking me?"

I Got Schooled by a 2nd Grader

Being a first year bus driver one thing I failed to understand is that low hanging branches of trees on back roads go undisturbed in the summer when school isn't in session. I learned this lesson the hard way, from a petite 2nd grader.

(Crunch-Snap-Crunch)
The children were startled at the noise. 

(Me) "Don't worry, that's just a couple branches on the trees, we're safe inside the bus."

That answer was not nearly good enough for one very precocious, future environmentalist.

(2nd Grader yelling) "MR. STUCKEY, YOU'RE HURTING THE TREES!!!"

(Me being me... sarcastic) "That's right... Mr. Stuckey hates the trees!"

(2nd Grader) "MR. STUCKEY, YOU CAN'T HATE THE TREES BECAUSE OF PHOTOSYNTHESIS! PHOTOSYNTHESIS IS THE REASON WE HAVE OXYGEN AND WE NEED OXYGEN TO LIVE!!!"

2nd Grader 1... Mr. Stuckey 0

I later asked this self aware 8 year-old where she learned about photosynthesis and she told me she learned about it from the Disney movie "The Lorax". Hmmmmm... all I learned from Cartoons was that cats don't like mice and rabbits are rascally. 

The Cookie Wars

It started out all quite innocently. Two 3rd grade boys approached the front of the bus this morning. One, with a disgusted yet eager face, just dying to tell me about his last evening...

(Boy 1) "Mr. Stuckey, my dad put 5 Oreo cookies in his mouth then opened it up and made me look."

(Me) "Nice."

(Boy 2) "Well my dad put 10 Oreos in his mouth."

(Me) "Okay."

(Boy 1) "Well my dad once ate a whole bag of oreos all by himself."

Clearly things had escalated as the bus waited patiently for boy 2 to top that.

(Boy 2) "Well my dad ate a whole bag of Oreos and drank a whole bottle of Mt. Dew and my mom said he was going to be sick!"

(Me) "Did he get sick?"

(Boy 2) "No, but he couldn't poop for two days."

It was time to call for a detente between Waring parties

(Me) "Does anybody have a story that doesn't involve Oreos?"

That's when my smallest of kindergartners came forward and tugged on my arm.

(5 year-old girl) "My daddy ate all the chocolate chip cookies and I didn't get to eat any."

(Me) "Do you like chocolate chip cookies?"

(5 year-old) "No. I don't like chocolate."

(Me) "Well than you didn't really care that you didn't get to eat any, now did you?"

(5 year-old) "Uh huh... I like to eat the part of the cookie that isn't so chippy!"